Chapter Seventeen
.Chapter seventeen.
When Jed reached out to Bernhard's ex-fiancée Carmela in Hwarang, Jed had many ideas.
He had no definite idea yet whether he should use her to his advantage or arouse jealousy. But one thing is clear.
People who manipulate their emotions can be exploited in any way.
But there is an exception to this rule. Humans who are as carried away by madness as they are by their feelings.
These have no brakes.
And….
When Carmilla's body began to tremble like a cesium tree, when his cold, white hand began to cup her face and when tears ran from her eyes to the ground, Jed already read in her eyes an irrevocable defeat.
“How could he be so selfish...?”
In the cold, falling voice, revenge and hatred were completely understandable.
He had felt it.
This was a mistake.
This side should not have been touched.
It was best not to get involved in this.
"Of course I won't forgive him. I won't forget. I won't accept him being happy like this."
Empty eyes with tears flowing from them.
It is rare for someone with these eyes to back down, they will stay and continue to use them without putting them aside. He would be willing to ruin Bernhard's life even if he wasn't involved.
Why did things turn this way?.
He thought it would be ideal to take advantage of Bernhard's arrangements with this woman and make her take responsibility and leave Raina as prey.
But he realized that this woman would cause a big problem. His expectations are shaken.
Usually, yes. Mostly, he would let things go and try to avoid them.
But the issue was Bernhard himself. Get involved in this problem. If he backed down now, any method he was taking would cause major problems for him.
Even if he had to kill her to solve things, he couldn't bypass the forbidden spiritual law of Armangar, and this was his worry.
In the end, Jed had one choice.
If he couldn't kill her and couldn't exploit her, he had to stay by her side and try to control her.
“Did I come here to ruin Bernhard's happy life plans...is that what I did?”
With those words, he extended his hands with a cheerful smile no matter what was in his heart.
In fact, his plans weren't bad. But even before feeling suddenly defeated by an unexpected variable, everyone should have their plans in place.
What changed in Jed's plans was the extent of Carmilla's hatred, which was much greater than he expected.
Of course, this was not something that Jed could have sensed and controlled in advance.
Perhaps no one knew the extent of this inner hatred she had.
Bernhard was in the process of writing an unanswered letter for the third time.
The addressee is his ex-fiancée Carmela.
Originally, Bernhard had little feeling for writing letters and if he did not receive a response, he would never write again.
“But there is something I have to apologize to her for.”
Once again, Bernhard slurred the words as if trying to gather his courage.
Just as he decided to apologize to the girls he killed out of guilt, he felt he should also apologize to Carmilla.
If he didn't have the ability to offer a big enough apology to the other party, at least he was willing to express his feelings.
“I have to organize everything before I leave the family.”
Bernhard's blue eyes watched the paper.
He didn't want to drag anything with him into the start of a new beginning. Even for Raina.
Therefore, after he finished writing the letter containing his feeling of apology and pride, and after he signed it, he focused his blue eyes on the letter.
Although he knew that his feelings would not be enough to make a good apology. He didn't think it would come true on the first try. However, he believed that it would work out in the end, even if Carmilla was angry, he believed that true feelings would come through.
But no matter how confident he was, there was doubt within him.
Perhaps he was not hopeful of getting a response even after writing the letter without any specific expectation.
“Sir, a message has arrived from Arminga.”
Bernhard's eyebrows furrowed.
"Who is Arminga? Are you sure?"
The servant replied with a certain nod.
“Yes. It is a confirmed message from Arminga.”
Later, when he received the expected reply, Bernhard was shaken and doubted whether the reply he had actually received was from Carmilla.
But once I opened the letter and read it, it became clear that the structured line was really from Carmilla.
The text was written in a cold, direct style and was very short. He was saying that if he really wanted to apologize, he should come to Arminga to talk again.
"…they."
If he were an ordinary person, he might be reluctant to visit a place considered to be a den of enemies or Arminga in general, for fear of becoming lost without a voice.
Of course, Bernhard was not without expectations about Arminga.
Despite the feeling of tension in his neck, he was determined to press forward.
He can't talk about apologizing without taking risks. The statement cannot be truthful if he is not willing to take risks.
“If you don't give up on something, nothing will change.”
Bernhard said to the servant.
“Send a message to Arminga saying I will visit her soon.”
While writing the letter, I felt two contradictions in my heart.
There was a feeling that I wished he would appear before me, and at the same time, there was a feeling that I would rather he run away and go directly to Arminga, than not appear before me and be far from me, these two contradictions in my heart.
My heart was tossing and turning. Even if this was my feeling, I wasn't able to know exactly which side I wanted.
I hoped he would come, but in the next moment, I hoped he would not come and go away. There was anticipation and fear of seeing him before me but at the same time there was this sincere wish that if he was here, that wish would be granted, even if it was all very vague to me.
But, as if it were written by fixed fate, Bernhard answered confidently that he would come.
“He will come...so he said.”
When I listened to that message, I felt like my chaos had turned into confidence.
"Is he ignorant, or does he have no fear? Or does he perhaps actually have a sense of responsibility?"
The words that came out of his mouth were cold and neutral, even if he had any responsibility for it, he had no interest in thinking about the positive aspects of things now. He just had the feeling that he couldn't control things by himself now. There could be a reason to stop anywhere, but he couldn't find a good enough one.
“Is this good or bad luck...?”
It was difficult to estimate.
So he decided to consider it good luck.
At least, once he had his revenge, he would be able to drown out this torment.
From that moment he heard that story, he had been unable to calm this restless heart. He hoped that even if his pulse slowed down a little, his feeling of calm would increase, and his breathing in general would increase.
Sleep became shallow, I woke up repeatedly at night and wondered.
I became amazed that my heart still wouldn't settle, even when I woke up. He was unable to calm down in any way, even if it went unnoticed… My heart was no longer responding.
He just wanted to hold his racing heart and tell him to stop.
But the heart does not understand, even if words come from it. Even if it whispers to him that he is safe now, he does not realize it.
His blinded heart lives only in painful memories.
He knew that time could not be changed.
Even if a miracle happened, he couldn't be free.
“…Even if a miracle happens here, freedom cannot be achieved….”
He must throw off the chains that bound his hands and feet to himself if he wants to move forward.
Even when he drinks hot tea, his heart does not calm down.
Even when there was love, or after love died, waiting for it was never easy.
I heard knocks on the door from outside.
His hard lips, his stern and clear eyes, his light gray hair that was close to gray, and his cold and hard blue eyes.
He entered the room, was he coming or had he already arrived, that's what I thought for a moment.
“You really came.”
I spoke with a strange feeling.
Indeed, Bernhard kept his promise and arrived in Arminga.
He didn't tell his parents, even if they might have known through other people's ears, but he didn't want to burden things beforehand.
His servant advised him to come with a squad of knights, but he refused. Even the maid who suggested coming with him was taken away.
He just wanted to talk to her alone.
It was natural that he did not want to be disturbed by his personal matters.
Everything he had felt so secure in was now embarrassing. Man is truly strange.
When Bernhard tried to sit, he moved confidently towards him, then sat down next to me and knelt down.
At that moment when he tried to advance, I didn't notice that he had already approached. She was stunned for a moment, then asked tardily:.
“What are you doing...?”
I thought he hadn't offered any reward, but my voice was calm.
“Aren’t you supposed to pay for what happened? It seems strange. Indeed, the matters between the families have already been resolved. Why now come to apologize and make amends in such a sudden way? I told you that there is no need for your apology. I told you that your apology is not required.”
I had a strange feeling that the way he spoke was becoming more critical than expected, but Bernhard recognized it with confidence.
“…It is considered quite normal to make compensation in any way. But I felt that it was meaningless if your heart did not calm down. For this reason, I wanted to see you and apologize to you in person. On that day, I am sure that I did wrong to you. I am willing to do anything to restore your closed heart. I came here with this decision.”
She looked at Bernard, who was bowing his head quietly.
“He was the kind of person who could give that kind of apology just for slapping me.”
He has a strange feeling that everything he does is useless, well I guess since Rena wasn't the subject, he's surprisingly calm and normal.
Suddenly, I felt a faint desire to open my mouth and ask him why, while you were apologizing for such trivial things, I was so attentive and indifferent even after I slapped my cheek and had lost my child in despair because of you.
But she realized something before she opened her mouth.
A sudden, intense realization that what she was going to do was more like despair, more like suffering.
So much so that she can't get an apology from him for what happened in the past anymore.
Now this is just a one-sided venting of my anger. There is no one in this world who can apologize for my heart and my pain.
For some reason, I felt strangely abandoned. At all times, of space and time, of Bernard and Rena - I was left thus abandoned with no one...no one to support me.
I was left in a vicious circle alone.
Is it true that I now have a truly happy miracle? Could it be that Satan, not the merciful God, was the one who wounded the spring of my time?.
I have to choose between venting my anger or taking responsibility for myself, or both paths.
In both of them I am alone. It's such an empty road. No echo will be heard in it.
“Is this guilt?”
she asked in a soft voice.
“You said you wanted to take responsibility. Will you give me your right hand to hold the sword and be my knight?”
It was just a question that popped into my head.
Bernard's face stiffened terribly.
When I saw that, I slowly laughed out loud. It was because he suddenly became funny.
Illogical thoughts crossed my mind.
I rolled my eyes and smiled and said falsely:.
“Just a joke. There's no way I'm asking you that just because you slapped me on the cheek just once, right?”
“This is not a joke.”
Bernard's eyes were cold. Those eyes are like dark blue stained glass. I've never seen those eyes look human.
Except for the first meeting I can't even remember it now.
“…You said you wanted to apologize. There is only one way for you to apologize to me.”
I said slowly and sternly.
“Stay in your family and do your duty. It is a big burden for me that your life is ruined because of me.”
So stand there, take your lover as your wife, and feel in your bones what it was like for me to be confined in the thorn house and stuck there.
Should I take everything from him, the Knight's Oath, or kill Rena right in front of him? Should I wait for her to get pregnant and then have an abortion?.
All sorts of thoughts haunted me all night, but more than anything I wanted him to pay his fair share.
“...I'm not a cold woman either. I was thinking about it from your point of view. It made me feel sorry for your lover who couldn't bring it out into the world.”
She showed a soft smile. To make it seem harmless.
“Are you going to introduce me to Rena? I want to be friends with her so I want to help her bond with you. If I forgive you, Rena’s status in your family will be a little better.”
So I hope you feel the pain of not being able to protect your beloved, who will dry up like a flower without water.
I extended my hand to Bernard and asked him to get up, smiling faintly.
“We started off badly, but maybe we don't know.”
I was smiling like an angel reflected in Bernard's confusion-filled eyes as I stood up and met him.
“Maybe we can be friends.”