Chapter Twenty
.Chapter twentieth.
My heart is supposed to hurt – but it doesn't.
My view of myself is low.
However, I was somewhat happy to believe that even part of the pain I experienced came back to the people around me because of me. This was the truth, even though I hated it.
I pressed my heart.
I never intended to torture them like this. It's just that my childish heart inside me is in need too.
When that grudge explodes, my new relationship with them may be torn apart.
I didn't want to.
There is little sympathy left in my heart. But with a little calm, I can love them again.
Just a little.. If I can calm myself down a little, I can love them again.
Is it resentment or surrender? Is it a single, inevitable confirmation?.
I had to stand up – I couldn't think of others doing that.
The good daughter had died in that house before that. She must have died in the carriage.
It's not that I'm upset. But I was able to learn that my lot in life was entirely my own.
When I was stabbed, I was only in pain, and when I was in pain, I was the only one feeling pain.
No matter how much I scream, no one knows. No one knows my pain.
I can't die for my mother and father. No one knows about sleepless nights. I don't know when I held my breath.
No one stayed by my side.
So I didn't feel sorry for my father and mother.
I just wanted them to show me love now.
“Can you help me? You said you love me. This is my lifelong wish. Once I do this right, I will be a good daughter again.”
Because I know now that you love me – please give me that support now.
Can you help me lean on you? now.
Then I can forgive everything.
They did not know about my suffering before because I did not tell them.
But I want to prove that if they knew, they would have saved me, so she can clearly believe their love at that time.
“Can you do that for me?”
Finally, my mother looked at me with an ambiguous expression.
Then she got up and walked over slowly, looked at me disapprovingly, sat down on her knees, and hugged my head.
“If it can calm your mind, so be it. Do it because I value you more than anyone else.”
She added quietly.
“And I hope your father supports you too.”
For some reason, the heart that seemed filled with poison, the heart that even hated Mom and Dad, sank to the depths.
When I closed my eyes, cold tears rolled down my pale, cold face.
“Thank you for accepting my incomprehensible stubbornness. Just this once, just this once. Do it for me.”
Pinon rubbed my forehead and said.
“Are you not sleeping well or feeling unwell lately?”
His eyes were filled with pity, as if he was looking at someone seriously ill.
“If your heart is suffocating, talk to me. It hurts. You can’t bear it alone.”
I lay quietly in a chair and sighed.
“…I’m fine, so don’t treat me like a patient.”
My parents didn't know what to do, so they called my doctor after the accident.
When Benon arrived, I had no choice but to lie still and undergo a medical examination.
Of course, I thought my condition didn't look very good, but isn't it too much to treat patients like this?.
However, Pinon's eyes were worried. Then, with a sigh, he put the diagnostic tool into his bag and took out something.
“This bastard... You've been nervous since the day your ex-fiancé was rude to you. You got so sick at night that it made you look at the curtains lifelessly. Will you be able to bear such a shock......”
Tears welled in Benon's eyes.
I am grateful for his interest. I felt heavy as a large, gray-haired man stared at me with tears in his eyes.
Moreover, when hell opens the enemy's story.
“That was when I was three years old. Benon. I don’t remember anything about the story when I was three years old....”
When I said this with some awe, Beynon's tears fell.
“In my eyes, the young woman was always that little girl and infant at that time. But when you were brought up like that before you knew it, you suffered a lot. It seems that you laughed without knowing the world.”
Apparently, in Beynon's eyes, I was that little boy who was forever ignorant of the world and who thought the curtains were ghosts and was afraid.
Beynon quickly wiped away his tears with a handkerchief. Then inhale something like herbs into a small cup.
"My skin has deteriorated. Are you having trouble sleeping? Burn it in an incense burner and smell it before going to bed. When it runs out, I will bring it back to you. You shouldn't overdo it, but it's better than not being able to sleep."
The promise of a good night's sleep definitely appealed to me, so I took it.
The bottle containing dried and chopped herbs was a bit rough, perhaps because Pinon had made it himself.
“Thanks. I will write well.”
In fact, Beynon said, the herb was effective.
Risdell, who was taking care of my bed, brought a censer and lit it, and I slept soundly that night without even dreaming.
My eyes opened very naturally. It was very easy to open my eyes without pain. How long has it been since you've had a really good night's sleep?.
When I woke up, I felt like I had mints in my head. My head was calm and cool.
I woke up and blinked. I felt better.
It was a bit surprising.
“…Can just getting a good night’s sleep change your mood like that?”
I even heard this realization.
When I felt a little better, I suddenly remembered what I was going to do today.
“I was thinking of convincing Bernard and taking Rena to visit Demeter and prepare for the talk....”
When I woke up in a new mood and went out to the balcony to hear the birds chirping, I suddenly thought that I didn't want to spoil this mood today.
“At least not today.”
In the end, I called the server and asked him to cancel all my plans for the day.
Sending a reschedule letter, packing the cart, and having to adjust the schedule of the person who was scheduled to be my carpool.
It must have been annoying, but the butler had a somewhat happy expression on his face.
"Good."
Then he said somehow with a warm and polite expression.
“Looking at your face, you must have had a good night’s sleep.”
It was an old servant wearing a business-like expression and his hair combed to one side, which he would have looked like if he were so curvy and cold-hearted.
Seeing me like this, I didn't know what to answer.
Did the butler know I've been having trouble sleeping lately? You think no one knows?.
I hesitated and answered.
“…Beynon’s workmanship was fine...”
I was about to ask the butler how he knew I'd been having trouble sleeping lately, but I gave up out of embarrassment.
Although it wasn't a big deal, it was somewhat embarrassing to ask such a thing because he had such warm eyes.
At that time, the butler asked carefully, as if he was paying attention.
“This time, the beneficial calming tea leaves have come to Arminga. Can I send them to you while you take refreshment?”
That became the final blow, and I said as if I was running away, unable to bear the embarrassment.
“I'm going for a walk in the park.”
It was an excuse, but I had already thought of it, so it's not necessarily an excuse.
The feeling was strange.
“To treat me as if I were experiencing some kind of late adolescence....”
It's not a bad thing, but it was a strange feeling.
As I walked slowly through the park, I thought about whether there was a strong rumor circulating among my family members that perhaps I still loved Bernard and was suffering from this grief.
Even the family gardener I met while passing looked at me with sad eyes for some reason, so I was convinced.
“The rumor that I am in love must have spread widely.”
Moreover, I wanted to die when I thought that rumors had been accidentally spread, like that I had a crush on Bernard behind my back and was cheering me up.
I felt bad when I thought I was misunderstood that I was having heartache because I liked chewing gum.
She looked at the rose with a stunned expression and sighed.
It was nice to feel better, but… when she came back to her senses, she felt her face so red and hot that she couldn't even touch it, well, it definitely wasn't fun.
But in the end I smiled at the end of my walk in the park.
“But actually, including that, it's not a bad feeling.”
For some reason, I was able to breathe more today than yesterday. My mood was also brighter.
With yesterday's declining mental state, seeing the butler's expression didn't make me feel anything, but it was a bit nice to see such a light heart lightly splashing in my heart.
Was it because I was able to sleep well, or because my parents were endlessly accepting of my ridiculous foolishness?.
Otherwise.
Maybe it's because of family members who don't turn around and take care of my girl in their own way, even though I act like this.
Just when I was about to warm my heart, I saw the marigold. A flower that resembles a woman's eyes.
I suddenly remembered that day.
The day she asked if she had the courage to walk through hell, she replied that falling next to Bernard was her only hell.
The smile on her face was lost.
She said she would pay anything to thank me.
“Thank you. Thank you.”
No matter what I said, I was going to hate her anyway, but she thanked me for being a genius at triggering my feelings.
“…Thank…you.”
Even thinking about it again made me laugh, and the words she muttered were so cold.
Beautiful flower. A sun-like flower with a bright dark yellow color close to gold, and its name is marigold.
I walked quietly, walked in front of Marigold, sat with my legs crossed, and looked at the flower.
“I hate her.”
When I told her that since she was going to be Bernard's wife, she should not call me Mrs. but Miss, and I urged her to call me more than once... Rena's face froze.
When I asked her to call me Miss Carmella or Mrs. Carmella, she hated that shy smile on her face.
No matter how hard I tried to suppress it, the unconcealable happiness seeped out, and my stomach turned.
“I hate the fact that you consider this opportunity to be good luck and to be happy....”
I don't like anything you do.