# 13
In fact, Angelica had never spoken to anyone about Hugo Bernstein.
She didn't even tell her close friends. If he had been a famous character or even just a hero in an anime, she might have been able to reveal that, but Hugo was nothing more than words printed in three volumes and no more.
Even on the cover of the novel, only his back appeared, and that was very vague, with only his upper half.
“If I had told someone, they would have looked at me like I was crazy.”
Even to her, it seemed so ridiculous, let alone others? For this reason, she has always kept her feelings to herself, as if she were a nun living in isolation, not allowing anyone to glimpse her heart.
So, if we think about it, Hugo is the first person to know about the existence of her “first love.”
Perhaps for this reason, she felt a desire to reveal some of what was on her chest to Hugo, who knew only superficial husks about her. It's as if she's whispering her secret into a bamboo forest, where no one can really hear her.
'Anyway, I can't even see Hugo in books anymore.'
She grabbed the smoothie cup in front of her and took a big gulp.
Her mouth was filled with a refreshing taste that quickly left a warm impression in her stomach.
The drink was cold, and yet, she felt her throat getting hotter, and her head even started to spin a little. She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them again with a slight smile.
“Huh, I wasn't going to think about it while I was next to you, Hugo..”
“…Thinking is not wrong.”
“That's true, but...”
She shrugged her shoulders, then lowered them loosely, raising her head to look at the sky. She had taken off her glasses since she sat on the bench, and saw the sunset in a blurry, undulating color.
“I think I've come to think about it a lot, like it's a habit.”
“You seemed to like him very much.”
“Yes, for a very long time.”
She raised her fingers, indicating that she couldn't even count the time on her fingers.
Perhaps because she was talking about Hugo, she suddenly burst out laughing.
“It's a strange thing, isn't it? How can one love someone who one barely knows? And for such a long time...”
"What do you mean? Don't you know what he looks like?"
"It's not just his face...I know almost nothing about him. However, I love him very much."
She didn't say I loved him, she said I loved him, even though she knew she would never see him again.
She leaned back completely in her chair, conjuring up in her mind the image of Hugo Bernstein's back on the cover of the novel. At that moment, Hugo suddenly asked her:
“How did you fall in love with him?”
"how…?"
She repeated his words in her mind, recalling that ancient memory buried deep inside her.
“In the past, I had a moment when I no longer understood why I lived. Not just bored or upset, I completely lost the understanding of why I should continue to live.”
She had no warm childhood memories. Her first memory was of sitting alone in an empty house, eating alone.
And after that, there was no one beside her. Her parents were always busy, and even in their rare free time, they were not with her, but with her brother.
When she was seven, her parents officially divorced, but she remained outside their sphere of attention.
After a long custody battle, the losing side ended up taking it, but that was nothing more than a decision on paper.
Thus, she continued to live alone in an empty house, with only the name on official documents linking her to her parents, and those who cared for her were nothing but servants hired by her parents.
She received no love from them, but lived with complete indifference and silent contempt.
Because of this, she was never used to having people around her. It was strange, uncomfortable.
During her years in kindergarten, elementary school, and middle school, she was always alone.
At that time, she was just living simply because she was alive, without thinking about the meaning or purpose of life.
But as the days passed, and with what she learned in school about the reason for human existence, she began to wonder:
"Why do I live? I have no reason to, and I don't want to look for it. If so, wouldn't it be better if I didn't exist at all?"
Even the thought of death did not arouse real fear in her.
Fortunately, her teacher noticed her condition, and with her guidance, she tried different things to find meaning in life.
The novel “The Rose of the Empire” was what led her to do so.
"At that time, I met that person for the first time. Have you ever felt that way, Hugo? When all people seem the same to you, and then suddenly, one person appears and catches your eye for no apparent reason?"
Hugo Bernstein's life, as briefly described in the novel, was very similar to her own.
His parents did not consider him a human being, but merely a tool to protect the North.
To them, he was like a living weapon, they didn't care if he got hurt or even died, they could simply forget about him and move on.
He was all alone, and had no purpose other than to fight because he was born to do so.
However, he was different from her.
“He was supposed to be like me, someone who didn't care about what was happening around him, but he wasn't.”
At first, his role as Guardian of the North was merely an obligation imposed on him, but over time, it became a choice he made for himself.
Fighting in wars, fighting monsters, bearing scars and wounds...all of that, he chose himself.
“We were similar even in not being afraid of death, but the difference was that... he wanted to die for others.”
How can someone who grew up in a harsher environment have a completely different outlook?
At first, it made her feel uncomfortable, but she couldn't ignore it. Then she found herself captivated by his story, until she began to follow his life with a passion.
His words, his advice, the things he kept repeating to himself and to others...
They all found their way into her heart, and penetrated her soul many times, until finally a new seed began to grow inside her, in a land that was barren and lifeless.
“I suddenly had this thought... What if I lived like this man says? Maybe then, I would be able to know the meaning of life?”
It was half curiosity and half stubbornness, but in the end, her life truly changed.
As Hugo Bernstein said, she began to find things that gave her meaning to her life, and she began to feel the presence of friends by her side after she had always been alone.
Her feelings, which were dry and hardened, began to soften and blossom little by little...and when she understood what had happened, she realized that she was truly “living.”
“That man was my salvation... and those feelings turned into love over time. Oh... I talked for so long.”
She had intended to speak only a little, but found herself speaking at length more than she had planned.
Angelica raised the smoothie cup to her lips and drank the last of it in one go.
'Oh...why do I feel hot?'
Although the smoothie was cold, her body temperature did not stop rising.
She tried to cool her face with her hand, then closed her eyes for a moment, but Hugo's voice crept into her ear again.
“…But what if that first love wasn’t what you thought it was? What if it was different from what you know?”
“Hmm… different? I don’t know.”
She slowly opened her eyes and turned to him.
Perhaps because she was talking about Hugo Bernstein, Hugo's face looked like his for a moment.
Her heart skipped a beat for no apparent reason.
"If it's about appearance, it doesn't matter. I love him because he is who he is, not because of his appearance. But if it's a difference in his personality... I think that would be better?"
“Why?”
“Because I've known and loved him for a long time, and if there's more to discover about him, that makes it even more exciting.”
If he was as serious as she thought but actually playful, that would be fun.
And if he was more cruel and cold than I expected, he must have his reasons for it.
Angelica started to think about various possibilities, but suddenly smiled as if all those thoughts didn't matter.
Then her smile quickly faded.
“Anyway, I guess I won't see him again.”
So, there's no need to keep imagining these possibilities.
Angelica sighed and hid her sad feelings as she got up. She turned to Hugo and smiled sweetly at him.
“Thank you for listening to me, even if it was a boring story.”
“Thank you. It must not have been easy for you to talk about him.”
“It's okay, actually, this is the first time I've revealed this to anyone, and I felt very comfortable after that.”
Then she whispered to him as if she were revealing a secret:
"So, you'll have to listen to me again next time, right? And also at the festival! It was a really fun day!"
She began talking excitedly about darts, and swore that she would succeed at it herself when her eyes were better.
"Good."
Hugo gently approached her and pulled her into his embrace, agreeing to her request.
She noticed that his face looked a little flushed, as if he had consumed some alcohol, although she did not expect the smoothie to contain alcohol in the first place.
At that moment, a feeling of guilt washed over him.
As if he had tricked her into drinking alcohol and made her talk about something she didn't want to say.
But perhaps, this was a punishment from fate...
Because, in the end, he had to hear her words in which she clearly said that she still loved her first love.
And at that very moment, Hugo Bernstein realized his feelings for her.
“
Have you been through something similar, Hugo? That everyone is just normal people to you, but there's only one person you can't stop thinking about?
When she asked him that question about her first love, the answer was clear—that person for him was Angelica.
“Angelica, you can't sleep here.”
“Hmm, I know.”
He got an answer to a question he wasn't ready for, but he hid his tangled feelings and tried to wake her from her sleep.
Then, at that very moment—
“Hugo Bernstein! I was wondering where you were, and here you are finally!”
A masculine voice pierced the stillness of the garden.
The voice was familiar, and Hugo turned his gaze to its owner.
However, that did not last long.
“Huh…?”
Angelica's body suddenly froze, after being completely relaxed.
“What…what did you say just now?”
She slowly raised her head, her eyes holding a look of disbelief.
Then, their gazes finally met.
“Hugo…”
“……”
“Bernstein?”
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