Chapter Forty
.Chapter forty.
Problems come unexpectedly, as if they choose a person. She tests him and issues judgments on him.
What happened to me is past now...what happened happened, and I was injured.
So, after my narrow escape, I have to be careful.
I have developed a mental illness as a consequence. No, it is not surprising.
It's a little annoying but normal.
I have to solve all these psychological issues before I go to the mine, and that's what I'm worried about.
Because of the heavy burden I felt regarding these decisions that I had to make simultaneously, I had doubts about my ability to bear them and make decisions sequentially.
I still didn't quite know how much I was okay and how much I wasn't, especially since the thought of their wedding still scared me.
Whenever I assure myself that I'm okay, I start crying again, which makes it difficult for me to trust myself.
“But I have found a well-deserved calm now.”
In advance, when Zaid came and told me that they were getting married, I felt like I was drowning, and when I saw Rena, she did not apologize or apologize, even after the same thing happened to her and she collapsed without hesitation.
I was also afraid that the same thing would happen to me again.
“Maybe it would be better for me to run away from him... or ignore him... or not see him.”
Those words came out of my mouth absently.
But I took a breath and finally raised my head.
To avoid him or them… In my mind and in my dreams, they kept appearing, creating chaos in my head and making me unable to breathe.
But I had to see... I had to check that it was over.
If it was going to lead to my downfall, of course I should avoid it, but now I'm starting to trust myself a little bit.
"I've improved a lot. I'm happier. So, I'm fine," I said as if trying to convince myself.
I was not that strange woman who wanted to throw herself into anger and revenge.
I'll be fine even after their wedding... I'll take it.
I sat quietly, put my hand on my chest, and closed my eyes, thinking.
You have filled in a lot of blanks in my life.
I built new times, relationships, feelings and beautiful things.
Life moved slowly as I had new experiences.
I am no longer a person who consists only of deep wounds and sorrows that create a lake in my heart.
Through that lake, I was able to realize a lot and change myself.
Like caring about Risdell, empathizing with Diane's pain, and understanding my pain a little more.
Sure, we die more and get better.
Not only did that accident leave her with terrible wounds, but she also gained a wise and contemplative outlook.
All experiences have proven that I can overcome revenge and not fall into the abyss, and also that I can come back to be happy.
So, after a few months, I'll finally be completely fine.
I will regain my emotional freedom and psychological health, and I will be happy.
Strangely, my eyes were tearing up.
But I silently convinced myself that these were very big wounds and I would not recover from them easily.
“Pain for a long time is not unusual....it is very normal.”
So, I didn't feel ashamed or surprised by the tears streaming down my face.
The party was supposed to be a few days away, but it came so fast that I didn't feel the days.
The longed-for day has come for the invitation that came with the silver rose.
I feel a little excited since this morning.
Although I didn't intend to keep it a secret, in the end I didn't tell anyone about it.
It wasn't a big enough story to tell, and more than anything, I didn't want to experience other people's expectations, fears, or hype.
However, Risdell seemed to have noticed and spoke up: “You seem to be in a good mood today.”
Instead of telling the truth, I just uttered simple words: “Really? The weather is very nice today, so it seems that my mood has improved as well.”
Then they looked to the side and said: “Hana... Today I would like to decorate my hair with the silver rose that I received as a gift last time... Is this possible?”
Hannah, who was helping me style and comb my hair, nodded to me: “Sure. What do you think if you put half your hair up and put a silver rose in it, and let the other half flow naturally? It will look as if it was originally made as a hairpin.”
Rysdahl asked curiously as she brought out the silver rose that she had previously placed in the jewelry box as I wished.
“Anyway, what's going on? You cherished this silver rose so much… Is today a special day?”
I answered lightly: “What if there is something special for me?...I only wore it because I felt like I should wear it.”
However, despite my indifferent attitude, Hana suddenly asked me a sharp question: “Are you going to see him today? The man who gave you that silver rose.”
Rysdell, who was holding the silver rose, covered her mouth in surprise.
“Oh! Madam, is that really so? Oh my God… If I had known this would happen, I would have put a lot of perfume on you!”
I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would show that reaction.
It's not a big deal, but she's wild and I can't tell her everything.
She came up with a magic word to calm their excitement: “I'm sorry to disappoint you...but the place we're going today is Countess Lydia's poetry meeting.”
Risdell immediately understood and approached me with a slightly sad expression: “Okay…I will choose a calm dress for you.”
Hana looked at Ryssdale's face and shook her head as if she realized that the place I was going to was a place with no things to talk about.
She said: "This is strange... I feel the romance in the air, I'm good at things like this. I think my intuition is ruined now."
I muttered to myself: ‘No…. Your senses are still excellent… You seem like a really scary child.'.
But it was also true that I was excited enough for her to notice.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a lively young woman with a faint glow reflected on her.
Considering my usually pale face, it was definitely noticeable.
I feel anxious or excited.. I was in a weird state where I wanted to leave quickly and I wanted to run away too.
To see his face so I wouldn't do something I'd regret later.
Why were you so nice to me that day?.
And I will also tell him that I am grateful for his kindness.
Even though this was the case, it was difficult to control my thoughts.
My passionate heart cannot be suppressed by force.
The path to the poetic encounter was strangely clear.
The wonderful scent of lilacs mingled gently in the low, humid air, and the feeling of the silk dress enveloping my body was also unfamiliar.
In the end, I couldn't suppress my nervousness and sighed.
I was a stranger... I had no expectations or desire for love or anything.
Rather, I was thinking that I should be careful not to fall in love with him.
Besides, I've only met him once and he's the only one who has put me at ease, so why am I so nervous?.
But that day was really the worst day.
My heart was so helplessly broken that I felt as if my skin had peeled off and I was walking around abandoned and crying with a bloody heart.
I was miserable and very lonely.
Remembering this is so painful… even the passing wind was bitter.
That day he treated me very kindly.
He very kindly gave me the comfort I wanted.
Like pouring healing water on a heart full of exposed wounds.
His voice comforted me when he told me that although trust is hard, there is a middle ground between being too confident and getting hurt, and not being too confident and not getting hurt.
His soft green eyes looked at me tenderly and calmed me down and his thoughtful behavior kept me from crying.
How comfortable I felt for him that day.
I was able to cry as much as I wanted, and shed tears with peace of mind like a child.
When I thought about it, my heart started beating like a bud again.
‘Can I properly express this gratitude to him?’.’.
“Ma’am, we have arrived.”
Suddenly I came to my senses when I heard the carriage stop and the driver open the door.
I suppressed my excitement and entered Mrs. Lydia's house, with a frozen expression on my face, as if this always happened in my daily life.
I went to the poetry meeting and found the Countess there.
“Long time no see, Countess. You have become more beautiful since the last time I saw you.”
Lady Lydia smiled softly and replied: “Thank you. I heard your story… Please rest today… I told everyone not to bother you.”
She was thoughtful and I was very touched by her and I was grateful.
“Thank you for your interest.”
Lady Lydia, her white hair decorated with pearls and feathers, greeted me in a friendly manner, and then quickly disappeared.
She is always busy supporting artists and connecting nobles with them.
Of course, this does not mean that her attitude towards me is insincere, but if I want to spend a long time with her, I will need to sponsor two new artists.
As she said, no one bothered me.. Sometimes I would see people who wanted to talk to me, but the people around them stopped them and they turned their eyes away.
Thanks to that, I was able to shake my head in a light greeting to people I knew, say hello to some poets, and relieved my excessive tension.
It was only after my initial nervousness was gone that I realized the scale of the poetic gathering, which unlike a regular ballroom, included the times, rooms and corridors of a large palace as open to the public.
“The place is very spacious...”
People were already spread out, admiring the paintings hanging in the lobby, or gathering around a poet enjoying a glass of wine and listening to his poetry.
If you wanted to find someone at a banquet that occupied an entire large building, you had to tell them a specific location.
Even after trillions of hours so I'd like to ask Countess Lydia.
But... I didn't even know his name... and I couldn't even find him myself.
“I was so nervous that day that I couldn’t even ask him where we would meet...”
When I looked around, I suddenly felt depressed and upset, and wondered why I was so excited.
My change was so drastic that I felt like I had become a child.
I closed my eyes and opened them slowly for a moment to control my mind, then absently touched the silver rose on my head.
If I can't meet with him, that's it, so there's nothing to be upset about.
However, I came to see him.
I don't have to regret coming because I just showed him courtesy and did my best.
However, my suddenly empty heart was not easy to console.
At that time, I heard the sound of footsteps from behind.
“I thought you liked that rose….thankfully.”
On that day, that was his voice.
My heart was beating so hard I was on fire.
I won't be too greedy or desire anything.
I was very afraid, but I didn't know why I was so nervous.
Time seems to slow down a little for him. I looked back.
And I stared at him.
Those are the beautiful and captivating green eyes I saw at that time.
Like a ruby shaded by the sun with a very gentle warmth.
“I was hesitating about what gift to send him, then I remembered that a rose suits you very well.”
Green eyes, black hair.
“You waited long?”
His soft voice gently touched my heart.
His white face, fine lines, and calm eyes might give off a cold impression, but his soft and gentle expression erased that impression without a trace.
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